I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
