1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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