This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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