11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
