I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
