I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
