I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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