he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
