Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
