I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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