the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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