I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
