My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
And then he peed in my hair
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