i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
