I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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