my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
