found the other keg... it's in the tree
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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