I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
