I'm gonna have a badass scar
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
