you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
