I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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