Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
