Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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