he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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