Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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