Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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