I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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