I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
