No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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