I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.