Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
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I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
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Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.