She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
