Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌ðŸ»ï¸
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
