I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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