it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
