You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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