thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
