i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
