Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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