My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
