I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
