Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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