Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
