Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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