So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
