your thong is hanging out like whoa
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
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