My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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