there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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