why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
