My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
