you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
