: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
