I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Randomize
