Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
