allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
