So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
