Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
