Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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