Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
