i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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