My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
